I hate pigtails. There, I said it. There is just something that rubs me the wrong way when I see that girl--you know who I mean--who just loves, with a capital giggle, Team X and shows it by spouting off a tiring list of all the time she and Dad watched games, how alienated she is from all the other girls because she was always such a tomboy, where she got her too-tight jersey and brand new cap. And worst of all, the whole time she's sporting those damn pigtails. It's the uniform, apparently, and I hate it. First, does she really think she's the only girl to like sports? (Yes, she does.) Second, does she really think she stands out as Simply Adorable is half the femal population in the stadium is donning that 'do? (Yes, she does.) Third, does she really think that anyone will ever think she casually walked into the sporting event looking like an overgrown grade schooler? Come on guys, have you ever seen as many pigtails as you do at 7:05 at Wrigley Field?!?!?!!!1 Think about it: not at work, not at school, not at bars (not even sports bars), not at the grocery store, electronic store, hot dog stand (unless it's in a stadium), the opera, the prom, track meets, restaurants, Central Park, or a sailboat. It's just not natural past the age of 7. In short, forced cute, well, isn't.
Please, girls, have a little class. Seeing such a trite display of fake tomboyness--nearly buried under gobs of black mascara and peach lip gloss--makes me feel like I've been slapped in the face with that stupid limp rope of hair dangling from your skull. Harsh? Definitely. Catty? Certainly. (And yes, I could put pigtails in my hair, and yes, it looks cute. And yes, I like sports and spent my childhood catching frogs and playing with Legos. But taunting full grown men with the combination of naughty schoolgirl locks and authentic team jerseys is not my idea of romance OR a fun evening.)
Maybe my words will anger you, or perhaps they will make you think twice about falling into the mold once again. And if you see a girl three rows back, smiling, with loose hair awkwardly falling in her eyes, you'll know you've made my evening.
(*Note: This does not apply if you are a Vikings fan and are wearing a traditional Viking helmet. In fact, you even get extra points for being extra festive. So girls, if you can't give up your pigtails, maybe think about giving up your team and heading for Minneapolis.)
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